life giving words

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

I desparately want to hold onto life giving words like these.  My mother spoke them to me yesterday over the phone and I am aware that in days like this one, days where it is raining and grey ane there is no end in sight.....

I can do anything I set my mind to.  What will I set my mind to this fall, this winter?  Who will I choose to fight for?

I have trouble holding onto this truth about myself.  I turn to the next best thing, affecting change in my spouse so that I don't have to believe in myself.  Caring for other people and believing in their ability to fight has always been easier for me than believing in myself. The problem is, I have learned at some deep level that I can change anything I set my mind to...but then there are times when I can't affect change, when I set my mind to change something and it is not mine to change. 

I realize this morning that not only do I need to hear "you can do anything you set your mind to,"  I need to hold on to this for myself.  I don't need to change my spouse, I don't need to focus so much on doing anything for him, my friends,or anyone else--this is far easier for me.  I need to focus on believing these life giving words for myself.  I want to believe that I have the ability to affect change in my own life, to affect change to the things that I want for myself, for my own desires. Everyone else's desires often get muddled into my own and I have trouble seeing.

Maybe the phrase has been confusing me all my life.  I heard it like this, "You can do anything you set your mind to for someone else (for the sake of another)."  I think determination and success has been modeled as something acheived for someone else, not for myself.  This has led me to a confusing pattern of co-dependency I think.

This morning I choose to hold on to this phrase; "You can do anything you set your mind to....now choose yourself."

Grey

The grey, rainy season has begun.  Summer is over and I feel depression and discontentment creeping in....

This change in seasons around here is inevitable and yet it doesn't ever make it any easier. 

It would be helpful to think of this as a gift instead of a burden but this movement towards sitting with myself, my feelings is uncomfortable sometimes.  I don't want to talk about where I am frustrated, where I feel I fall short, my constant need to be encouraged by others seems like such a burden to place on anyone, even my husband.

Yesterday at church, Pastor Ryan talked about the Beattitudes, the "blessings" Jesus speaks of.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Blessed are those who take the time to mourn.  Blessed are those who mourn with others.  Blessed are those who spend enough time with their souls (value their souls) enough to know what it is that they mourn, to be present with what it is that you mourn.

Most vividly I remember mouring, I mourn the passing of my Grandfather Cornelius Donald VanHouweling.  I spoke at his funeral about how he taught me about unconditional love.  Because of the love that he taught me, I mourn the loss of his presence in my life.  More than that, I mourn that he was the one to teach me these lessons, I mourn that this role model in my life is gone, this steady rock.

I mourn my need for encouragement, I mourn this digust for myself which I have held onto so strongly for so many years.  I mourn the loss that this represents. 

I mourn the things that  I don't have, the dreams and hopes that I hold on to which have not yet come to fruition.  Those dreams and wishes are so important, I have to hold on to them, and mourn that they have not yet become. 

Comfort.  I wonder what it would be like for me to just mourn and then believe Jesus' promise that I will be blessed if I mourn.  The blessing will happen, I don't need to make it happen, it's a promise that He gives me.  It is so hard for me to trust someone else, even God, with comforting me.

broken or broken open?

I finished the book I wrote about in my previous post, "Joy for Beginners," and it is truly one of the best books I have ever read.  I invoked so many emotions in me.  The strength and redemption in ths book is empowering. 

Near the middle of the book, Marion, a wise motherly figure tells Hadley, the woman in the midst of grieving her husband's death,  'You can be broken or broken open, the choice is yours.'

Marion is so kind the way she accepts Hadley's brokenness...she tells her that is okay if she doesn't feel ready to acknowledge or encounter peices of her past, 'When did you think you would be?'  Did you think you would ever be really ready?  "You can be broken or broken open, the choice is yours.'

And it is your choice to make.  Sometimes I feel amidst my brokenness that I don't have a choice.  If I am broken, I have to be broken open with others.  I have to be vulnerable, I have to share those pieces that are broken inside of me.

And sometimes those broken pieces flow out of me. This is what other people see.  I often wish other people didn't see so much.

It is a not a bad thing that other people see my brokenness, this makes me more human.  I don't need to shame myself for my human(ness). To never show my brokenness would be a mistake...but the choice gives me freedom.  And I can choose to be broken or broken open.

Joy for beginners

Well yes, this picture is from Amazon, but I have been working on this addiction of mine.  I actually got the above book from the library (and didn't buy it from Amazon...though it is so easy to just click, buy, and have it delivered to the house.....)  I still buy books periodically, but try to mostly check out frined the library....currently one is overdue.  I am apparently still working out the details of this arrangement.

I have been really enjoying this book recently.  Joy....for beginners.   I would say I am a beginner in learning how to experience joy, maybe we all are?  This book reminds me that I am still a beginner (though I often don't choose to admit it) in the experience of joy. The premise of this book stirs me and invites me to experience joy and to take risks I had never dreamed of taking. 

The book starts out with a dinner party of 6 close friends who had spent the last 18 months supporting their friend Kate while she battled a life threatening illness. The book starts out describing Kate's victory party,  These women had joined Kate in the trenches of this awful and frustrating fight and along with her, rejoiced in this victory, she had won the fight!  They are all left with a deep friendship which they would not exchange for anything else in the world-this is what life is all about right?!

So Kate is given a new lease on life- for those of you familiar with my story, this happened for me on Good Friday in 1995, I was 11 years old, probably why this story hits even closer to home.  In this book, Kate is is challenged by a older, wise friend Marion to go white water rafting with her teenage daughter that year.  Kate is reluctant and fearful of this to say the least, but is encouraged by those friends around her that join in a pact, If Kate will face the rapids, each woman will do one thing in the next year that scares her. 

What a beautiful, risky and hopeful pact to enter into.  Kate gets to pick each of the "challenges" which each woman will face.  Kate knows each woman well enough to know which risk would be the most joy filled and life giving to each. 

Kate challenges one busy mother of 3, Sara, who formerly dreamed of traveling the world to take a trip on her own to a different county.  Sara finds herself on the streets of Venice, seeing the world through refreshed and awakened eyes.  On this trip, Sara realizes that she hadn't really looked at the sky in years, her line of sight never going above her children's heads and always looking to make sure one of them didn't trip on something down below them.  This woman begins to make space for herself amidst the busyness of a life where she has trouble escaping the weight of other people's expectations, the heaviest of which are her own.

Kate challenges one friend, Hadley, who lost her husband unexpectantly to a car accident to do some landscaping in her yard.  Hadley's view from all the windows in her house were covered in ivy; all the herbs, flowers and vegetables which were thoughtfully planted in the backyard by the house's former owner had been covered up.  As a result of this yardwork, Hadley's yard and her life is filled with light and hope which she didn't believe was possible, she discovers a manner of knowing someone by looking into the intricate details of how they plant their garden.  Hadley finds the strength to begin to heal; she becomes a student of those around her and is no longer lost within herself with grief.

Above are just two of the remakable stories which this pact leads to.  I haven't finished the book yet and though I am eager to read more about the redemption in Kate's story, I am also trying to leave myself the space to think and dream about what this story may be urging me to do.

Where have I lost sight of joy?  What risk would draw me to dig deeper inside myself for strength such that I would experience a joy and depth in this life which I have not yet experienced? I am grateful for a husband that propels me to take some of these risks, friends that encourage me...

Summertime

What a wonderful summer it has been!   Above are two photos of us on a trip to the Olympic Peninsula.  My parents came to the NW, rented a gorgeous house on the water in Sequim and Josh and I came and joined then for the weekend.  On the right is my parents down around the Dungeness Spit in Sequim and then on the left is Josh and I at a lookout point at Hurricane Ridge.  I really hope to do a backpacking trip with Josh in this area someday. 

I think we are really enjoying this summer more as it is our first one married and without an apartment managing job.  We are able to leave town the weekends and we have a bit more vacation time (though still not enough).  Working full time hasn't been so bad with all the beauty I have been able to enjoy in the NW this summer!

I grew up doing a lot of physically activity with my family and it truly is a part of me.  To the left is a picture of my dad and I this summer running in Sequim, near the house we were staying in.  I love this photo, we have gone on a lot of runs together.  Over the years my body has forced me to slow down a bit, my knees mostly limit me and sometimes it really frustrates me. Then I go for a run such as this one (below) on the Outer Banks (another trip with my family) and the movement of my body AMAZES me. 

I feel myself rejoicing for all that I am able to do.  God truly has carried me through some tough years as a teenager when I couldn't even walk.  I ran 5 + miles on this beach a couple times while we were out in Corolla and I swam a couple miles in the ocean.  Sometimes my knee hurts a bit more than I am comfortable with and I find myself constantly re-evaluating...why am I doing all this exercise again?  I mostly do it because I enjoy it, the endorphins feel great, and I love being active with my husband (I have been reminded of that more and more this summer!)

Above is a picture of  me and my best friend near the top of Hidden Lake Lookout.  He and I have had the opportunity to go on a couple great hikes this summer with a group from our church.  My knees were bothering me quite a bit on this hike, there were quite a few snow fields to cross, and a lot of elevation gain.  I was worried about the hike back down, so Josh and I made the decision not to go all the way up this time.  The entire hike was full of amazing views and we felt like it would be a good decision to just stop about 40 minutes from the top.  We still really enjoyed the hike and really enjoyed the time together.  I really wish we would have made it to the top and I am also glad I chose to just take care of my body (and Josh chose to take care of his) for now.  As you can probably see, we had a great time.

I'm training for a Sprint Triathon in Lake Steven's September 9.  It has been really good for me because it requires a lot of cross training.  Not just running, but swimming and biking are EQUALLY important.  I have enjoyed interspersing these three types of exercise in my everyday life and finding some new trails around the area.  It has really helped motivate me to do some extra workouts with 2 of my co-workers training for this race too.  It's coming up in 2 weeks. 

Amidst my training and the summer sunshine, I have gone on quite a few runs with some women from my church, Eastlake Community Church.  On the first Tuesday, I ran 6 miles, the longest mileage in a long time!  The women there are so supportive and encouraging, plus talking to someone the entire way really helps me.  Several of the women in the group has taught me a lot.  Even though it is obvious that most of them have no problem running the 5-6 miles that we do a week, they don't go faster than the rest of the group, they stick with me, talking to me and encouraging me.  It means so much to me to have someone do this, reminding me to take care of my body first and foremost and that the community part of our run is so much more important than our pace or setting any PRs.  I only hope that I can do the same for my husband as we begin to run together again, my dad, and other running, hiking, and snowshoeing buddies along the way.

iMarriage

Josh and I started a video study with a couple's group from our church and it is so helpful to us as we find ourselves into 2.5 years of marriage with a need and a desire to rekindle our love for one another.

The premise of the series is this, we all come into marriage with desires, a whole box of them: what kind of house we want, how we want to spend our money, when we want to have kids, how many vacations we hope to take, etc. etc. At some point, all these desires turn to expectations, sometimes this change is a gradual process, sometimes it happens right after a couple says, "I do." For me, I think the shift occured gradually from the moment I said, "I do" and then the expectations became more deeply ingrained in me and in our relationship once Josh finished his degree at the University of Washington.

Desires are good, God given. Somewhere deeply inside me I know that. Trusting someone else to fulfill my desires, that is not an easy thing. Other people fail you, our spouses fail us the most, truly AND I am really good at taking control of my own desires and trying to make them happen, developing expectations is a symptom of this.


#1 way we know that we have developed expectations in our relationships, when we begin to expect that something is going to happen. This video series helped me realize that I have a whole slew of expectations of Josh. I have come to expect that he knows how to fix everything and at some point I decided that he loved receiving every fix it project I could come up with (and that he would willingly fix anything that I accidently broke! I'm kind of a klutz). I expect that he will do all our laundry (yes, he does all our laundry!) I expect that he will succeed in his job, get every job he interviews for, wow his employers with his skills and not make mistakes in this arena...because well, he's smart and he has done these things again and again. I expect that he will kiss me when he gets home from work, that he will ask me how my day was, etc etc. Believe me, there are even more. And unfortuneatly, with all these expectations come feelings of extreme frustration when he falls short (which he does, any human would), and over and over he does not feel appreciated for these incredible things he does daily.

The pastor leading this series poses the question at the end of one of his sermons, "What does your spouse owe you?" My first thought as a Christian woman was, "nothing," but to be honest with myself and my mate, this really isn't how I feel. An older gentleman in his congregation took his homework seriously, went home, typed out a list and brought it to the pastor the next week. This particular man was near 70 and had been married 50 years. What do you think he wote? I was perplexed at first hearing it was a list. Well, it wasn't actually a list. The paper said: 1) nothing. 2)absolutely nothing. 3)nothing at all. 4)etc. etc. NOTHING! This man who had been happily married for 50 years felt his spouse owed him absolutely nothing. I don't know about you, but I always love to hear tips from couples who have been happily married for many years like this couple. Believing that your spouse truly owes you nothing must be the key to a glorious and wonderful marriage for years to come. Okay so knowing a truth is one thing and then truly KNOWING it and UNDERSTANDING it is another thing. Lucky for us, the pastor leading this series went on to talk about some Scripture backing up this concept.

In Ephesians 5:21 (I think) Paul says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." I don't know about you but I have heard far too many sermons intelluctualizing this verse. This verse is missused over and over apart from how it was intended and as a strong individual, specificially as a women, the question, what does it mean to submit to your spouse? I really avoid often, hoping not to brush up against the viewpoint once again that I am among the "weaker" sex. This pastor ascertains that the above verse means simply this: to submit yourself to another is to place yourself under him or her, to place your needs unders the other person's, to place his needs above your own. Why do we do this? Out of reverence for Christ.

This simple illustration from the video series helped me. It goes something like this: Once there was a married man who asked the Lord, "what can I do with all this love, adoration, worship and gratitude that I have for you?" What would you like me to do with it? God told the man, "Take all that love, respect, adoration, gratitude and worship and pour it upon your spouse. This is where I call you to first channel and direct all this love." Following this answer the man said to God, "Isn't there something else I can do? Can I serve in my church, can I go on a mission trip, isn't there something else?" God replied,"No, this is what I call you to first, to love your spouse, pour all this love, adoration and kindness upon him/her." I admit, sometimes it feels easier to serve in the church, to participate in my church community, than to love my spouse.

The discussion questions following this illustration helped me apply this. Why is it easier to love your spouse if you think about it as merely directing your love for God to this person? Well, simply this my love for God is greater than for my spouse. God presence, strength and faithfulness has been instrumental in my life since as early as I can remember. My love and adoration for my Creator is far deeper, greater, longer, and wider than any love I could ever have for Josh. It is also easier to love God because he never sins against me. Jesus loves me perfectly and it is truly easy to love Him back. My spouse, well frankly, Josh fails me, Josh loves me pretty well, but there is no way that he could love me this well. God first showed me unconditional love and it is from my experience that I am even to begin loving my spouse in this way, as God intended it.

There is one other illustration that the pastor leading this series brings in is also helpful, here the speaker is holding a rope which is attached to a large "I" (What we each bring into the marriage, the view that "I" am the most important). Do you ever feel the need to hold or pull your spouse on a (figurative) leash? I know I do, namely when I ask him to pick up his clothes, tidy up our place, remind him to get some exercise, etc. etc. The pastor leading this series then proceeds to point out that this is not marriage, this is PARENTING. Our spouses didn't marry us because they wanted another parent. Ultimately, why do I hold Josh on a leash sometimes? Well, I fear that he won't fulfill my desires. I have felt the pain of unfulfilled desires in the past and what feels like the most surefire way in which I can make sure that my desires are met is to keep my spouse on a leash. As crazy and awful as that sounds, it's pretty true.

What if I were to give up the leash? What if I were to believe first that Josh doesn't owe me anything. Second, what if I were to hold my desires as desires, allow them to be good, trust ultimately that God will fulfill them, (perhaps He will do so through my spouse). What if there were no longer expectations in my marriage and instead just desires (I can feel our intimacy already building, can't you?) Third, until I let my spouse off this above leash, I will never experience the unconditional love which God desires for me to uniquely experience within my marriage. I can let go of this leash because "the leash" is never truly what God intended, "the leash" is a response to my need for control, my need to guarentee myself love, care, and security. "The leash" is a symptom of how I have experienced pain and disappointment in the past, where I truly need God to come in and heal.

I love my spouse and agree with this pastor that my committment needs to be to him first, not my marriage. It is not even biblical to be committed first to my marriage, I need to be committed to Josh first. We need to be wholly committed to one another to love each other well.

God I desparately need your help on this.

Christmastime

It's Christmas time and I am so thankful to have my husband home for Christmas.

Josh returned from 9 days in S. Carolina just a day ago. It was longer than we had ever been apart from each other in our 2.5 years of marriage. And we got through it. Talking most every night on the phone and knowing that he was having some fun out there with his co-workers got me through it :-) I tried to make the most of my independence while he was away. I was grateful to have the time to host a Christmas cookie exchange with some girlfriends one day, not cooking for 9 days (and subsisting on leftovers), and not having to clean either (just one person at home keeps our condo a bit cleaner).

But I did miss him a whole bunch, and could hardly sleep the night he was returning home, so eager to see him.

And so, we find ourselves almost upon Christmas. We are home for Christmas this year, home in our condo, Lynnwood, WA. We aren't going to make it to Iowa or Idaho as we have in the past and it is our first Christmas together in the Seattle area. This is the year to start new traditions.

We bought our first Christmas tree together several weeks ago and often I sit in our living room gazing upon these lights. My mom sent me Christmas stockings that my late paternal grandfather Alan made several years ago. We have received many presents and wrapped many presents, all placed under the tree and ready to be opened! Above our refrigerator and above our fireplace are just covered in Christmas cards which have been sent to us. We feel surrounded by love.

Tomorrow morning I am going to attempt making swedish meatballs on my own, a Swedish tradition which my parents always take part in on Christmas eve, and they are really good! I can't wait to taste one! Sunday will be full with a holiday breakfast (maybe Swedish pancakes?), presents, and a dinner complete with ham and all the fixings shared with friends in our home. I have no doubt that his Christmas will be full and rich.

We do wish our families lived closer so that we could share the holiday with these special loved ones, but we feel blessed to have the opportunity this year to start something new with one another, Josh and I.