iMarriage

Josh and I started a video study with a couple's group from our church and it is so helpful to us as we find ourselves into 2.5 years of marriage with a need and a desire to rekindle our love for one another.

The premise of the series is this, we all come into marriage with desires, a whole box of them: what kind of house we want, how we want to spend our money, when we want to have kids, how many vacations we hope to take, etc. etc. At some point, all these desires turn to expectations, sometimes this change is a gradual process, sometimes it happens right after a couple says, "I do." For me, I think the shift occured gradually from the moment I said, "I do" and then the expectations became more deeply ingrained in me and in our relationship once Josh finished his degree at the University of Washington.

Desires are good, God given. Somewhere deeply inside me I know that. Trusting someone else to fulfill my desires, that is not an easy thing. Other people fail you, our spouses fail us the most, truly AND I am really good at taking control of my own desires and trying to make them happen, developing expectations is a symptom of this.


#1 way we know that we have developed expectations in our relationships, when we begin to expect that something is going to happen. This video series helped me realize that I have a whole slew of expectations of Josh. I have come to expect that he knows how to fix everything and at some point I decided that he loved receiving every fix it project I could come up with (and that he would willingly fix anything that I accidently broke! I'm kind of a klutz). I expect that he will do all our laundry (yes, he does all our laundry!) I expect that he will succeed in his job, get every job he interviews for, wow his employers with his skills and not make mistakes in this arena...because well, he's smart and he has done these things again and again. I expect that he will kiss me when he gets home from work, that he will ask me how my day was, etc etc. Believe me, there are even more. And unfortuneatly, with all these expectations come feelings of extreme frustration when he falls short (which he does, any human would), and over and over he does not feel appreciated for these incredible things he does daily.

The pastor leading this series poses the question at the end of one of his sermons, "What does your spouse owe you?" My first thought as a Christian woman was, "nothing," but to be honest with myself and my mate, this really isn't how I feel. An older gentleman in his congregation took his homework seriously, went home, typed out a list and brought it to the pastor the next week. This particular man was near 70 and had been married 50 years. What do you think he wote? I was perplexed at first hearing it was a list. Well, it wasn't actually a list. The paper said: 1) nothing. 2)absolutely nothing. 3)nothing at all. 4)etc. etc. NOTHING! This man who had been happily married for 50 years felt his spouse owed him absolutely nothing. I don't know about you, but I always love to hear tips from couples who have been happily married for many years like this couple. Believing that your spouse truly owes you nothing must be the key to a glorious and wonderful marriage for years to come. Okay so knowing a truth is one thing and then truly KNOWING it and UNDERSTANDING it is another thing. Lucky for us, the pastor leading this series went on to talk about some Scripture backing up this concept.

In Ephesians 5:21 (I think) Paul says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." I don't know about you but I have heard far too many sermons intelluctualizing this verse. This verse is missused over and over apart from how it was intended and as a strong individual, specificially as a women, the question, what does it mean to submit to your spouse? I really avoid often, hoping not to brush up against the viewpoint once again that I am among the "weaker" sex. This pastor ascertains that the above verse means simply this: to submit yourself to another is to place yourself under him or her, to place your needs unders the other person's, to place his needs above your own. Why do we do this? Out of reverence for Christ.

This simple illustration from the video series helped me. It goes something like this: Once there was a married man who asked the Lord, "what can I do with all this love, adoration, worship and gratitude that I have for you?" What would you like me to do with it? God told the man, "Take all that love, respect, adoration, gratitude and worship and pour it upon your spouse. This is where I call you to first channel and direct all this love." Following this answer the man said to God, "Isn't there something else I can do? Can I serve in my church, can I go on a mission trip, isn't there something else?" God replied,"No, this is what I call you to first, to love your spouse, pour all this love, adoration and kindness upon him/her." I admit, sometimes it feels easier to serve in the church, to participate in my church community, than to love my spouse.

The discussion questions following this illustration helped me apply this. Why is it easier to love your spouse if you think about it as merely directing your love for God to this person? Well, simply this my love for God is greater than for my spouse. God presence, strength and faithfulness has been instrumental in my life since as early as I can remember. My love and adoration for my Creator is far deeper, greater, longer, and wider than any love I could ever have for Josh. It is also easier to love God because he never sins against me. Jesus loves me perfectly and it is truly easy to love Him back. My spouse, well frankly, Josh fails me, Josh loves me pretty well, but there is no way that he could love me this well. God first showed me unconditional love and it is from my experience that I am even to begin loving my spouse in this way, as God intended it.

There is one other illustration that the pastor leading this series brings in is also helpful, here the speaker is holding a rope which is attached to a large "I" (What we each bring into the marriage, the view that "I" am the most important). Do you ever feel the need to hold or pull your spouse on a (figurative) leash? I know I do, namely when I ask him to pick up his clothes, tidy up our place, remind him to get some exercise, etc. etc. The pastor leading this series then proceeds to point out that this is not marriage, this is PARENTING. Our spouses didn't marry us because they wanted another parent. Ultimately, why do I hold Josh on a leash sometimes? Well, I fear that he won't fulfill my desires. I have felt the pain of unfulfilled desires in the past and what feels like the most surefire way in which I can make sure that my desires are met is to keep my spouse on a leash. As crazy and awful as that sounds, it's pretty true.

What if I were to give up the leash? What if I were to believe first that Josh doesn't owe me anything. Second, what if I were to hold my desires as desires, allow them to be good, trust ultimately that God will fulfill them, (perhaps He will do so through my spouse). What if there were no longer expectations in my marriage and instead just desires (I can feel our intimacy already building, can't you?) Third, until I let my spouse off this above leash, I will never experience the unconditional love which God desires for me to uniquely experience within my marriage. I can let go of this leash because "the leash" is never truly what God intended, "the leash" is a response to my need for control, my need to guarentee myself love, care, and security. "The leash" is a symptom of how I have experienced pain and disappointment in the past, where I truly need God to come in and heal.

I love my spouse and agree with this pastor that my committment needs to be to him first, not my marriage. It is not even biblical to be committed first to my marriage, I need to be committed to Josh first. We need to be wholly committed to one another to love each other well.

God I desparately need your help on this.

Christmastime

It's Christmas time and I am so thankful to have my husband home for Christmas.

Josh returned from 9 days in S. Carolina just a day ago. It was longer than we had ever been apart from each other in our 2.5 years of marriage. And we got through it. Talking most every night on the phone and knowing that he was having some fun out there with his co-workers got me through it :-) I tried to make the most of my independence while he was away. I was grateful to have the time to host a Christmas cookie exchange with some girlfriends one day, not cooking for 9 days (and subsisting on leftovers), and not having to clean either (just one person at home keeps our condo a bit cleaner).

But I did miss him a whole bunch, and could hardly sleep the night he was returning home, so eager to see him.

And so, we find ourselves almost upon Christmas. We are home for Christmas this year, home in our condo, Lynnwood, WA. We aren't going to make it to Iowa or Idaho as we have in the past and it is our first Christmas together in the Seattle area. This is the year to start new traditions.

We bought our first Christmas tree together several weeks ago and often I sit in our living room gazing upon these lights. My mom sent me Christmas stockings that my late paternal grandfather Alan made several years ago. We have received many presents and wrapped many presents, all placed under the tree and ready to be opened! Above our refrigerator and above our fireplace are just covered in Christmas cards which have been sent to us. We feel surrounded by love.

Tomorrow morning I am going to attempt making swedish meatballs on my own, a Swedish tradition which my parents always take part in on Christmas eve, and they are really good! I can't wait to taste one! Sunday will be full with a holiday breakfast (maybe Swedish pancakes?), presents, and a dinner complete with ham and all the fixings shared with friends in our home. I have no doubt that his Christmas will be full and rich.

We do wish our families lived closer so that we could share the holiday with these special loved ones, but we feel blessed to have the opportunity this year to start something new with one another, Josh and I.

Fall has come and almost...gone

This fall has been a beautiful one. I decided early this fall that this season is most definitely my favorite. The colorful leaves never cease to stun me and it is one season out here in Seattle where the changes are most apparent: the weather turns chilly and I get out my crock-pot to make soups, pumpkin spice to make pumpkin pie. Our new home is surrounded by large trees and their changing leaves. I have found many new places to run throughout our neighborhood, and my days have been sprinkled with walks through Seattle parks with my friend Sam, a 19 month old boy whom I nanny for.

There has been a lot of waiting and hoping for me in this season. With our move to Lynnwood, I stopped working in Property Management. Though I was glad to be done with that job, it has left me with a lot of spare time on my hands...time to really sit with my longings and hope. Sometimes it was easier for me to just keep myself busy, because the sitting is so painful.

I sat with my desire to be successful, to move forward in my career, and work in the mental health field full-time. I have really been hoping for a job in this area that I really fit well in since 2009, but with all this extra time, the void was definitely deeper and bigger in my heart. I did a few interviews, sat with the pain, didn't get those jobs, and then sat with the pain some more.

I stated reading Nehemiah, a book of the Bible I had been led through back in college and then had proceeded to lead my parents to this study as well. This is the study they claim God used to draw them back to himself. This is really what I was needing...to be drawn back to the heart of God. He encouraged me as well, those mornings I sat on the couch with my cup of coffee trying to understand what was going on amidst the wars and lists.....God's plans do not fail, He finishes what He sets out to do, and He listens to our requests, our prayers. God can do anything.

So I started praying big, I went to interviews this time with a prayer starting something like, "God you can do anything....." Some more waiting and hoping. I started thinking about how I would cope if God called me to continue working as a nanny through the time Josh and I plan to have kiddos ourselves. In retrospect, I think this was helpful and harmful, I was "settling" for something I didn't really want so I didn't have to hold this painful hope, and I think it helped me start to become a little more content with where I was at. My discontentment had really been eating away at me.

Then I got a call. I was offered one of the jobs I had interviewed for. I accepted, told my new supervisor I was eager to start working with her and said good-bye. I was numb inside. I started crying. God you can do anything. So often I confess I am too prideful to ask.

So I don't know if this job is perfect for me. I pray that it is good enough for now. God help me to never forget these months, these painful months of waiting and longing. I don't know what God has planned for me in these upcoming years, but I am so grateful that he is teaching me to trust him again.

Chaos coupled with eagerness and excitement!

Josh and I moved this weekend and I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED! I felt like I should write it down so that that next time I start feeling an itching to move, I will remember our past weekend.

It would be so nice to stay in this condo for awhile...but it seems already that this would be hard, especially if we had another person to the family. We have already filled out the space, essentially 3 bedrooms!

Things I love already:

• My shower/bathtub (yes, we have 2 large bathrooms in this place, so Josh and I each have our own) I am so excited to finish decorating this space and get my make up, lotions, and perfumes into their places. It is a lovely bathroom. For us women it is so important to have a place that you LOVE to get ready in the morning.
• Our kitchen. All of it. I even have extra space in the cabinets. And I had to stop myself from neurotically wiping every spill I made on our flat stove top while making dinner tonight. Well, I stopped and then Josh did it :-) It is so nice, one cannot help to want to keep it clean.
• Our dining room! Our dining room in our old place wasn't much and we didn't tend to eat there very often unless we had guests over. Josh and I have eaten at this table 2 of the 3 nights we have been in this place (the first night it was too surrounded/stacked with boxes to use.
• LAUNDRY MACHINES!!!! In our condo!!! I don't have to walk up or down steps and doing laundry doesn't require quarters! The first full day we were here I think I did 6 loads of laundry, mostly because I could :-)
• I cleaned our building (The Commodore Apartments, in Magnolia) for the last time today. One of our tenants told me that she thinks I deserve to be able to hire someone to clean my house now. I think she is right. I couldn't stop dreaming all day about when Josh and I will be able to do that, it may come sooner than later it I find a full-time job and we have 2 full incomes coming in. That would be wonderful.
  

I am eager to:

• explore the area more. I still have yet to find a good place to run. This is very important to me. I hope to have time to look later this week.
• get all the boxes unpacked and out of here so our home looks even more lovely and so that I can take some pictures to share with family and friends!
  
• Try Ascension Presbyterian. Josh and I decided this is where we want to try attending. Maybe this Sunday or next?
• find a full-time job. Days are so much longer when your hubby works 8-6 and you don't. I work these hours 2 days a week right now, but would really like to do something in my field full time now that I am done apt managing (officially done at the end of the week, this means I'm still taking care of needs/ phone calls/etc. but not anything extra) Please pray that I will get the job I interviewed for a week ago or that more interviews will come along and that I can start working full time again!
  
• Have friends over (after everything is in place of course). Hope to get a Housewarming party on the calender soon!
• Try out our Bungalow! This is in our condo association and has an exercise room, movie theater, and large party room. I will probably try out the exercise equipment first. This will come in handy this winter.
  

I will post pictures soon, I promise.

Happy to be wed

Oh my, I can't believe it. My Clare Bear is married.What a beautiful day it was, and what an incredible honor to stand up with her during the ceremony as she and Ben repeated their vows. I remember so distinctly the minister saying, "They will now do everything together. It will be Clare and Ben or Ben and Clare, but no longer will they make decisions on their own." What a beautiful (and sometimes frustrating) part of marriage!
I remember facing towards her and the minister performing the ceremony. She had walked down the aisle, her parents had given her away. Tears were streaming down my face and I was silently praying prayers of Thanksgiving to our Lord who had brought the two of them together. It felt so painful to "give her away" and at the same time I felt immense joy for the love and relationship she was entering into with this man. I had never seen her so in love with a man.
I was struck several times throughout the day and the days after by how much harder it is to be in a wedding after you are married yourself. I used to spend time on my hair and make up while the bride spent time on hers....not so anymore. I remember that day, just a bit over 2 years ago, and how much help I needed for the day to go smoothly and how much I appreciated those dear friends of mine who help me calm my anxious and eager heart. I was motivated by how perfect I wanted the day to be for her...and it was, perfect for her.
The joy and love I knew she was experiencing that day, I understood greater as a result of my own wedding, my experiences in my own marriage led me to hope for this love to surround her in this marriage with this man.
Though I was sad not to have my husband with me on this trip, my desire for him may have just deepened my hope for Clare's relationship with Ben. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving that day for the God that brings us together with the men whom we were destined to spend our lives with, and I continue to pray this prayer now.

headed to Iowa.

Well, I'm headed to Iowa tomorrow. Home of beautiful cornfields that extend beyond where the eye can see. Where it's too hot and too humid in the summer. Where my parents and brother live. Where I grew up.

It's going to be a fast trip, I'm going for my best friend, Clare's wedding. I've known here about as long as I've known anyone in my family....since age 3. She is like a sister to me, the sister I never had and her family cared for me like a second family, anytime they had the chance.
Clare gets married Saturday. I wonder how our lives, our stories will evolve now. Once we are both married, we'll bring our husbands into our stories. I hope that Clare, Ben, Josh and I are good friends. Seriously, I would move to Iowa to be close to Clare often....I will feel that even more after this trip I suppose.
I went digging and I found some pictures. Scattered throughout this post are pictures with Clare in them. Seriously, I wish I had the picture of us at age 3 on my computer.... we were so cute!

Seriously, I don't even plan to hold it together during this wedding, I'll probably cry; tears of happiness, excitement, sorrow. I will miss how things were Clare, just you and me.

Here's to a new season. A season with happiness, delight, and love. Clare, we're not kiddos anymore. We're both all grown up! Man, I'm going to miss Josh on this trip. I'm going to need some strong arms to hold me as I mourn this one.

Sacred memories, and a collision of sorts

Yesterday I felt as if there was a collision of sorts. A collision between traditions I have grown up with and Seattle friends.

We made crepes (to me known as Swedish pancakes). I used my grandma's recipe, and taught a couple of my friends how to do it the way she taught me, the way my dad and I do it every time I am in Iowa for Christmas. They were yummy.

I grew up making these pancakes. Thinking about it more brought me back to my grandma's kitchen in Pella, Iowa, we would make them on Christmas eve at her house. My grandparents don't live there any more and as she is nearing late stage Alzheimer's, she wouldn't be able to ever make them with me again, but I'm sure if you put some of these yummy cakes in front of her, she would smile, say something off topic and find a way to eat them. She grew up making them too I bet.

I remember making these thin, yummy pancakes on my parent's stove Christmas morning. My dad took so much pride in teaching me how. Now as he watches me make them, he stands back, both proud and a little hurt that I can self-sufficiently come up with a finished product. He often makes the batter before I am up in the morning, secretly I think just so one portion of the recipe he can call himself completely responsible for...maybe he wasn't quite ready for me to take over the tradition (as I'm sure he has memories of cooking these with his mother, my grandma as a child).

So I made the batter this time. I cooked a couple and taught my friends how to cook them too. I'm ready to take on the tradition of cooking these pancakes Dad. But next Christmas I am home, I'm going to make sure we both have our hands in it equally. I am starting to understand how the act of making these pancakes is like a memory that you yearn to play out each year. A memorial of sorts. A privilege for each of us to take part in this sacred memory.

So the collision came in as I realized that my traditions (only ever played out in Iowa) could collide with people out here in Seattle. This tradition could come together here, a completely different place, a different territory with different people. It is really hard for me to think about traditions developing (and growing) out here in Seattle, maybe because I have spent most of my life in Iowa.

It is a different landscape, different pans, a different stove, and yet the sacredness of the tradition remains. And I remain grateful for the places in my life where collisions happen, where people come together a bit different and collide, with their interests, priorities, talents. They are similar and yet different, we need these collision, God uses these collisions to make us each more whom He Created us to me. Thank God I don't live in a vacuum, and that God uses experiences, people, and places in my life to make me more whom He has always envisioned me to me.