Josh and I started a video study with a couple's group from our church and it is so helpful to us as we find ourselves into 2.5 years of marriage with a need and a desire to rekindle our love for one another.The premise of the series is this, we all come into marriage with desires, a whole box of them: what kind of house we want, how we want to spend our money, when we want to have kids, how many vacations we hope to take, etc. etc. At some point, all these desires turn to expectations, sometimes this change is a gradual process, sometimes it happens right after a couple says, "I do." For me, I think the shift occured gradually from the moment I said, "I do" and then the expectations became more deeply ingrained in me and in our relationship once Josh finished his degree at the University of Washington.
Desires are good, God given. Somewhere deeply inside me I know that. Trusting someone else to fulfill my desires, that is not an easy thing. Other people fail you, our spouses fail us the most, truly AND I am really good at taking control of my own desires and trying to make them happen, developing expectations is a symptom of this.
#1 way we know that we have developed expectations in our relationships, when we begin to expect that something is going to happen. This video series helped me realize that I have a whole slew of expectations of Josh. I have come to expect that he knows how to fix everything and at some point I decided that he loved receiving every fix it project I could come up with (and that he would willingly fix anything that I accidently broke! I'm kind of a klutz). I expect that he will do all our laundry (yes, he does all our laundry!) I expect that he will succeed in his job, get every job he interviews for, wow his employers with his skills and not make mistakes in this arena...because well, he's smart and he has done these things again and again. I expect that he will kiss me when he gets home from work, that he will ask me how my day was, etc etc. Believe me, there are even more. And unfortuneatly, with all these expectations come feelings of extreme frustration when he falls short (which he does, any human would), and over and over he does not feel appreciated for these incredible things he does daily.
The pastor leading this series poses the question at the end of one of his sermons, "What does your spouse owe you?" My first thought as a Christian woman was, "nothing," but to be honest with myself and my mate, this really isn't how I feel. An older gentleman in his congregation took his homework seriously, went home, typed out a list and brought it to the pastor the next week. This particular man was near 70 and had been married 50 years. What do you think he wote? I was perplexed at first hearing it was a list. Well, it wasn't actually a list. The paper said: 1) nothing. 2)absolutely nothing. 3)nothing at all. 4)etc. etc. NOTHING! This man who had been happily married for 50 years felt his spouse owed him absolutely nothing. I don't know about you, but I always love to hear tips from couples who have been happily married for many years like this couple. Believing that your spouse truly owes you nothing must be the key to a glorious and wonderful marriage for years to come. Okay so knowing a truth is one thing and then truly KNOWING it and UNDERSTANDING it is another thing. Lucky for us, the pastor leading this series went on to talk about some Scripture backing up this concept.
In Ephesians 5:21 (I think) Paul says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." I don't know about you but I have heard far too many sermons intelluctualizing this verse. This verse is missused over and over apart from how it was intended and as a strong individual, specificially as a women, the question, what does it mean to submit to your spouse? I really avoid often, hoping not to brush up against the viewpoint once again that I am among the "weaker" sex. This pastor ascertains that the above verse means simply this: to submit yourself to another is to place yourself under him or her, to place your needs unders the other person's, to place his needs above your own. Why do we do this? Out of reverence for Christ.
This simple illustration from the video series helped me. It goes something like this: Once there was a married man who asked the Lord, "what can I do with all this love, adoration, worship and gratitude that I have for you?" What would you like me to do with it? God told the man, "Take all that love, respect, adoration, gratitude and worship and pour it upon your spouse. This is where I call you to first channel and direct all this love." Following this answer the man said to God, "Isn't there something else I can do? Can I serve in my church, can I go on a mission trip, isn't there something else?" God replied,"No, this is what I call you to first, to love your spouse, pour all this love, adoration and kindness upon him/her." I admit, sometimes it feels easier to serve in the church, to participate in my church community, than to love my spouse.
The discussion questions following this illustration helped me apply this. Why is it easier to love your spouse if you think about it as merely directing your love for God to this person? Well, simply this my love for God is greater than for my spouse. God presence, strength and faithfulness has been instrumental in my life since as early as I can remember. My love and adoration for my Creator is far deeper, greater, longer, and wider than any love I could ever have for Josh. It is also easier to love God because he never sins against me. Jesus loves me perfectly and it is truly easy to love Him back. My spouse, well frankly, Josh fails me, Josh loves me pretty well, but there is no way that he could love me this well. God first showed me unconditional love and it is from my experience that I am even to begin loving my spouse in this way, as God intended it.
There is one other illustration that the pastor leading this series brings in is also helpful, here the speaker is holding a rope which is attached to a large "I" (What we each bring into the marriage, the view that "I" am the most important). Do you ever feel the need to hold or pull your spouse on a (figurative) leash? I know I do, namely when I ask him to pick up his clothes, tidy up our place, remind him to get some exercise, etc. etc. The pastor leading this series then proceeds to point out that this is not marriage, this is PARENTING. Our spouses didn't marry us because they wanted another parent. Ultimately, why do I hold Josh on a leash sometimes? Well, I fear that he won't fulfill my desires. I have felt the pain of unfulfilled desires in the past and what feels like the most surefire way in which I can make sure that my desires are met is to keep my spouse on a leash. As crazy and awful as that sounds, it's pretty true.
What if I were to give up the leash? What if I were to believe first that Josh doesn't owe me anything. Second, what if I were to hold my desires as desires, allow them to be good, trust ultimately that God will fulfill them, (perhaps He will do so through my spouse). What if there were no longer expectations in my marriage and instead just desires (I can feel our intimacy already building, can't you?) Third, until I let my spouse off this above leash, I will never experience the unconditional love which God desires for me to uniquely experience within my marriage. I can let go of this leash because "the leash" is never truly what God intended, "the leash" is a response to my need for control, my need to guarentee myself love, care, and security. "The leash" is a symptom of how I have experienced pain and disappointment in the past, where I truly need God to come in and heal.
I love my spouse and agree with this pastor that my committment needs to be to him first, not my marriage. It is not even biblical to be committed first to my marriage, I need to be committed to Josh first. We need to be wholly committed to one another to love each other well.
God I desparately need your help on this.
