broken or broken open?

I finished the book I wrote about in my previous post, "Joy for Beginners," and it is truly one of the best books I have ever read.  I invoked so many emotions in me.  The strength and redemption in ths book is empowering. 

Near the middle of the book, Marion, a wise motherly figure tells Hadley, the woman in the midst of grieving her husband's death,  'You can be broken or broken open, the choice is yours.'

Marion is so kind the way she accepts Hadley's brokenness...she tells her that is okay if she doesn't feel ready to acknowledge or encounter peices of her past, 'When did you think you would be?'  Did you think you would ever be really ready?  "You can be broken or broken open, the choice is yours.'

And it is your choice to make.  Sometimes I feel amidst my brokenness that I don't have a choice.  If I am broken, I have to be broken open with others.  I have to be vulnerable, I have to share those pieces that are broken inside of me.

And sometimes those broken pieces flow out of me. This is what other people see.  I often wish other people didn't see so much.

It is a not a bad thing that other people see my brokenness, this makes me more human.  I don't need to shame myself for my human(ness). To never show my brokenness would be a mistake...but the choice gives me freedom.  And I can choose to be broken or broken open.

Joy for beginners

Well yes, this picture is from Amazon, but I have been working on this addiction of mine.  I actually got the above book from the library (and didn't buy it from Amazon...though it is so easy to just click, buy, and have it delivered to the house.....)  I still buy books periodically, but try to mostly check out frined the library....currently one is overdue.  I am apparently still working out the details of this arrangement.

I have been really enjoying this book recently.  Joy....for beginners.   I would say I am a beginner in learning how to experience joy, maybe we all are?  This book reminds me that I am still a beginner (though I often don't choose to admit it) in the experience of joy. The premise of this book stirs me and invites me to experience joy and to take risks I had never dreamed of taking. 

The book starts out with a dinner party of 6 close friends who had spent the last 18 months supporting their friend Kate while she battled a life threatening illness. The book starts out describing Kate's victory party,  These women had joined Kate in the trenches of this awful and frustrating fight and along with her, rejoiced in this victory, she had won the fight!  They are all left with a deep friendship which they would not exchange for anything else in the world-this is what life is all about right?!

So Kate is given a new lease on life- for those of you familiar with my story, this happened for me on Good Friday in 1995, I was 11 years old, probably why this story hits even closer to home.  In this book, Kate is is challenged by a older, wise friend Marion to go white water rafting with her teenage daughter that year.  Kate is reluctant and fearful of this to say the least, but is encouraged by those friends around her that join in a pact, If Kate will face the rapids, each woman will do one thing in the next year that scares her. 

What a beautiful, risky and hopeful pact to enter into.  Kate gets to pick each of the "challenges" which each woman will face.  Kate knows each woman well enough to know which risk would be the most joy filled and life giving to each. 

Kate challenges one busy mother of 3, Sara, who formerly dreamed of traveling the world to take a trip on her own to a different county.  Sara finds herself on the streets of Venice, seeing the world through refreshed and awakened eyes.  On this trip, Sara realizes that she hadn't really looked at the sky in years, her line of sight never going above her children's heads and always looking to make sure one of them didn't trip on something down below them.  This woman begins to make space for herself amidst the busyness of a life where she has trouble escaping the weight of other people's expectations, the heaviest of which are her own.

Kate challenges one friend, Hadley, who lost her husband unexpectantly to a car accident to do some landscaping in her yard.  Hadley's view from all the windows in her house were covered in ivy; all the herbs, flowers and vegetables which were thoughtfully planted in the backyard by the house's former owner had been covered up.  As a result of this yardwork, Hadley's yard and her life is filled with light and hope which she didn't believe was possible, she discovers a manner of knowing someone by looking into the intricate details of how they plant their garden.  Hadley finds the strength to begin to heal; she becomes a student of those around her and is no longer lost within herself with grief.

Above are just two of the remakable stories which this pact leads to.  I haven't finished the book yet and though I am eager to read more about the redemption in Kate's story, I am also trying to leave myself the space to think and dream about what this story may be urging me to do.

Where have I lost sight of joy?  What risk would draw me to dig deeper inside myself for strength such that I would experience a joy and depth in this life which I have not yet experienced? I am grateful for a husband that propels me to take some of these risks, friends that encourage me...

Summertime

What a wonderful summer it has been!   Above are two photos of us on a trip to the Olympic Peninsula.  My parents came to the NW, rented a gorgeous house on the water in Sequim and Josh and I came and joined then for the weekend.  On the right is my parents down around the Dungeness Spit in Sequim and then on the left is Josh and I at a lookout point at Hurricane Ridge.  I really hope to do a backpacking trip with Josh in this area someday. 

I think we are really enjoying this summer more as it is our first one married and without an apartment managing job.  We are able to leave town the weekends and we have a bit more vacation time (though still not enough).  Working full time hasn't been so bad with all the beauty I have been able to enjoy in the NW this summer!

I grew up doing a lot of physically activity with my family and it truly is a part of me.  To the left is a picture of my dad and I this summer running in Sequim, near the house we were staying in.  I love this photo, we have gone on a lot of runs together.  Over the years my body has forced me to slow down a bit, my knees mostly limit me and sometimes it really frustrates me. Then I go for a run such as this one (below) on the Outer Banks (another trip with my family) and the movement of my body AMAZES me. 

I feel myself rejoicing for all that I am able to do.  God truly has carried me through some tough years as a teenager when I couldn't even walk.  I ran 5 + miles on this beach a couple times while we were out in Corolla and I swam a couple miles in the ocean.  Sometimes my knee hurts a bit more than I am comfortable with and I find myself constantly re-evaluating...why am I doing all this exercise again?  I mostly do it because I enjoy it, the endorphins feel great, and I love being active with my husband (I have been reminded of that more and more this summer!)

Above is a picture of  me and my best friend near the top of Hidden Lake Lookout.  He and I have had the opportunity to go on a couple great hikes this summer with a group from our church.  My knees were bothering me quite a bit on this hike, there were quite a few snow fields to cross, and a lot of elevation gain.  I was worried about the hike back down, so Josh and I made the decision not to go all the way up this time.  The entire hike was full of amazing views and we felt like it would be a good decision to just stop about 40 minutes from the top.  We still really enjoyed the hike and really enjoyed the time together.  I really wish we would have made it to the top and I am also glad I chose to just take care of my body (and Josh chose to take care of his) for now.  As you can probably see, we had a great time.

I'm training for a Sprint Triathon in Lake Steven's September 9.  It has been really good for me because it requires a lot of cross training.  Not just running, but swimming and biking are EQUALLY important.  I have enjoyed interspersing these three types of exercise in my everyday life and finding some new trails around the area.  It has really helped motivate me to do some extra workouts with 2 of my co-workers training for this race too.  It's coming up in 2 weeks. 

Amidst my training and the summer sunshine, I have gone on quite a few runs with some women from my church, Eastlake Community Church.  On the first Tuesday, I ran 6 miles, the longest mileage in a long time!  The women there are so supportive and encouraging, plus talking to someone the entire way really helps me.  Several of the women in the group has taught me a lot.  Even though it is obvious that most of them have no problem running the 5-6 miles that we do a week, they don't go faster than the rest of the group, they stick with me, talking to me and encouraging me.  It means so much to me to have someone do this, reminding me to take care of my body first and foremost and that the community part of our run is so much more important than our pace or setting any PRs.  I only hope that I can do the same for my husband as we begin to run together again, my dad, and other running, hiking, and snowshoeing buddies along the way.