"You can do anything you set your mind to."
I desparately want to hold onto life giving words like these. My mother spoke them to me yesterday over the phone and I am aware that in days like this one, days where it is raining and grey ane there is no end in sight.....
I can do anything I set my mind to. What will I set my mind to this fall, this winter? Who will I choose to fight for?
I have trouble holding onto this truth about myself. I turn to the next best thing, affecting change in my spouse so that I don't have to believe in myself. Caring for other people and believing in their ability to fight has always been easier for me than believing in myself. The problem is, I have learned at some deep level that I can change anything I set my mind to...but then there are times when I can't affect change, when I set my mind to change something and it is not mine to change.
I realize this morning that not only do I need to hear "you can do anything you set your mind to," I need to hold on to this for myself. I don't need to change my spouse, I don't need to focus so much on doing anything for him, my friends,or anyone else--this is far easier for me. I need to focus on believing these life giving words for myself. I want to believe that I have the ability to affect change in my own life, to affect change to the things that I want for myself, for my own desires. Everyone else's desires often get muddled into my own and I have trouble seeing.
Maybe the phrase has been confusing me all my life. I heard it like this, "You can do anything you set your mind to for someone else (for the sake of another)." I think determination and success has been modeled as something acheived for someone else, not for myself. This has led me to a confusing pattern of co-dependency I think.
This morning I choose to hold on to this phrase; "You can do anything you set your mind to....now choose yourself."
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Grey
The grey, rainy season has begun. Summer is over and I feel depression and discontentment creeping in....
This change in seasons around here is inevitable and yet it doesn't ever make it any easier.
It would be helpful to think of this as a gift instead of a burden but this movement towards sitting with myself, my feelings is uncomfortable sometimes. I don't want to talk about where I am frustrated, where I feel I fall short, my constant need to be encouraged by others seems like such a burden to place on anyone, even my husband.
Yesterday at church, Pastor Ryan talked about the Beattitudes, the "blessings" Jesus speaks of. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Blessed are those who take the time to mourn. Blessed are those who mourn with others. Blessed are those who spend enough time with their souls (value their souls) enough to know what it is that they mourn, to be present with what it is that you mourn.
Most vividly I remember mouring, I mourn the passing of my Grandfather Cornelius Donald VanHouweling. I spoke at his funeral about how he taught me about unconditional love. Because of the love that he taught me, I mourn the loss of his presence in my life. More than that, I mourn that he was the one to teach me these lessons, I mourn that this role model in my life is gone, this steady rock.
I mourn my need for encouragement, I mourn this digust for myself which I have held onto so strongly for so many years. I mourn the loss that this represents.
I mourn the things that I don't have, the dreams and hopes that I hold on to which have not yet come to fruition. Those dreams and wishes are so important, I have to hold on to them, and mourn that they have not yet become.
Comfort. I wonder what it would be like for me to just mourn and then believe Jesus' promise that I will be blessed if I mourn. The blessing will happen, I don't need to make it happen, it's a promise that He gives me. It is so hard for me to trust someone else, even God, with comforting me.
This change in seasons around here is inevitable and yet it doesn't ever make it any easier.
It would be helpful to think of this as a gift instead of a burden but this movement towards sitting with myself, my feelings is uncomfortable sometimes. I don't want to talk about where I am frustrated, where I feel I fall short, my constant need to be encouraged by others seems like such a burden to place on anyone, even my husband.
Yesterday at church, Pastor Ryan talked about the Beattitudes, the "blessings" Jesus speaks of. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Blessed are those who take the time to mourn. Blessed are those who mourn with others. Blessed are those who spend enough time with their souls (value their souls) enough to know what it is that they mourn, to be present with what it is that you mourn.
Most vividly I remember mouring, I mourn the passing of my Grandfather Cornelius Donald VanHouweling. I spoke at his funeral about how he taught me about unconditional love. Because of the love that he taught me, I mourn the loss of his presence in my life. More than that, I mourn that he was the one to teach me these lessons, I mourn that this role model in my life is gone, this steady rock.
I mourn my need for encouragement, I mourn this digust for myself which I have held onto so strongly for so many years. I mourn the loss that this represents.
I mourn the things that I don't have, the dreams and hopes that I hold on to which have not yet come to fruition. Those dreams and wishes are so important, I have to hold on to them, and mourn that they have not yet become.
Comfort. I wonder what it would be like for me to just mourn and then believe Jesus' promise that I will be blessed if I mourn. The blessing will happen, I don't need to make it happen, it's a promise that He gives me. It is so hard for me to trust someone else, even God, with comforting me.
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