Grey

The grey, rainy season has begun.  Summer is over and I feel depression and discontentment creeping in....

This change in seasons around here is inevitable and yet it doesn't ever make it any easier. 

It would be helpful to think of this as a gift instead of a burden but this movement towards sitting with myself, my feelings is uncomfortable sometimes.  I don't want to talk about where I am frustrated, where I feel I fall short, my constant need to be encouraged by others seems like such a burden to place on anyone, even my husband.

Yesterday at church, Pastor Ryan talked about the Beattitudes, the "blessings" Jesus speaks of.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Blessed are those who take the time to mourn.  Blessed are those who mourn with others.  Blessed are those who spend enough time with their souls (value their souls) enough to know what it is that they mourn, to be present with what it is that you mourn.

Most vividly I remember mouring, I mourn the passing of my Grandfather Cornelius Donald VanHouweling.  I spoke at his funeral about how he taught me about unconditional love.  Because of the love that he taught me, I mourn the loss of his presence in my life.  More than that, I mourn that he was the one to teach me these lessons, I mourn that this role model in my life is gone, this steady rock.

I mourn my need for encouragement, I mourn this digust for myself which I have held onto so strongly for so many years.  I mourn the loss that this represents. 

I mourn the things that  I don't have, the dreams and hopes that I hold on to which have not yet come to fruition.  Those dreams and wishes are so important, I have to hold on to them, and mourn that they have not yet become. 

Comfort.  I wonder what it would be like for me to just mourn and then believe Jesus' promise that I will be blessed if I mourn.  The blessing will happen, I don't need to make it happen, it's a promise that He gives me.  It is so hard for me to trust someone else, even God, with comforting me.